Module #3 - 3.5 hours

Pages 1, 9, & 10


ADOPTION:
BRINGING YOUR CHILD HOME
IS JUST THE BEGINNING!


GOALS

• Participants will learn the importance of addressing adoption issues.
  
• Participants will gain knowledge of the seven core adoption issues.
  
• Participants will be informed as to the styles of parental reaction to adoption issues and the impact of these parenting reactions on the parent-child relationship.
  
• Participants will be encouraged to utilize an "acceptance of difference" parenting style which is balancing adoption issues with the myriad of other parent-child issues.
  
• Participants will be provided an array of concrete strategies for discussing adoption issues with their child.
  
• Participants will be informed of additional resources which enhance learning of this Module's topic.
  
• Participants will gain definition of attachment and attachment as the context in which child development occurs.

What Are The Issues?
(The following information is the work of Deborah Silverstein, M.S.W. and Sharon Kaplan-Rozia, M.S. They kindly provided their permission to use this information as a part of this curriculum.)

A majority of adopted persons experience seven core adoption issues. The presence of these issues does not indicate that the adopted child or the institution of adoption is pathological. Rather these are expected issues, which evolve logically out of the nature of adoption. Identifying, discussing and helping adopted children to integrate these core issues as they grow universalizes and validates their experiences, decreasing feelings of being different and isolated.

LOSS

Without loss there would be no adoption. Adopted persons suffer their first loss at their initial separation from their birth family often when they are young and most vulnerable. Current research is validating what adopted persons have felt for a long time. Awareness of the adoptive status is inevitable. Even if the loss is beyond conscious awareness, recognition, or vocabulary, it affects the adopted person on a very profound level.

Any subsequent loss, or even the perceived threat of separation, becomes more formidable for adopted persons than their non-adopted peers.

For adopted persons, loss in adoption is not a single event, but rather a series of ongoing losses. Triggers such as birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, the anniversary of the adoption, transitions from one school grade to another, addition of a new child to the family, high school graduation, engagement or marriage, death or divorce of adoptive parents, etc., can be experienced as both a reminder of the original loss and the ongoing nature of that loss. In addition to the primary loss - birth family - secondary losses abound and include: loss of culture, other caregivers (i.e., orphanage staff, foster parents, etc.), religion, ethnic and racial connections, medical information, birth history, siblings, orphanage friends, birth order, language, somebody with a physical resemblance, familiar smells and tastes, the chance to be just like friends who are growing up with the families they were born to, and on and on.

It is these losses and the way they are accepted and, hopefully, resolved that set the tone for the lifelong process of adoption. It is crucial to support the expression of the losses in order to facilitate the healing process. Parents must be assertive in acquiring information about their children's lives before they came into the adoptive family. Suggestions for acquiring or creating your child's history include: keep a journal of the entire pre-adoption experience; take photos or videotape of the orphanage, country of origin, orphanage staff, other children in the orphanage, the place of abandonment, etc.; buy items from the country of origin such as a picture frame or scrapbook, toys, clothing items, knick-knacks, etc.; try to swap new sheets, cloths or bottles for those the child is using in the orphanage - do not wash - what smells less than perfect to you may smell comforting to the child; translate documents written in the language of the country of origin into English so that the child may always review his/her history.

---

To The Facilitator: Play Clip #1 - Birth Family: Questions and Contacts. Possible discussion questions include: What were the common themes mentioned by the teens?, What were the emotions common to the teens? Were you surprised by the teens' questions?, What information should you be gathering on your trip to get your child?

---

GRIEF

Every loss must be grieved. Adoption-related losses are no different. The losses in adoption, however, are sometimes difficult to mourn in a society where adoption is seen as a joyful event. For example, children arriving from other countries may be expected to be excited, happy and grateful, rather than suffering from culture shock and grief. There are few rituals to mark the loss of caretaking parents, lost dreams, or unknown family members. Grief washes over the adopted person in stages or waves, particularly at times of other loss or developmental transitions.

Grief and loss includes shock and denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and ultimately acceptance. Children look very different from adults when grieving. They may withdraw from the family or extra-curricular activities, grades may drop suddenly or unexpectedly, physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches may become common, there may be regression to an earlier stage of development, or explosive or acting out behaviors are prominent.

Adults often react to children's grief by trying to cheer them up, or change the conversation to a more pleasant topic. In reality, parents help their children best when they allow them to express the grief openly, listen carefully, and offer comfort. Parents and adoptees do best when the grief process is not rushed and when it is anticipated that the grief will surface and re-surface as the child grows especially at times of other loss or at anniversaries of other losses.